Dogs

I nanny an adorable red-headed kid named Bert. He is the funniest 6 year old and he always has the best ideas! The other day my husband made hot dogs for dinner while Bert was at the house. We gave him a hotdog....plain with ketchup is how he likes it...and he gobbled it down. The next day I picked him up after school and I asked what he wanted for snack.

Bert-I sure love hotdogs. I hope my mom makes them for dinner!

I snickered, looked in the rearview mirror to see him and asked if he would be any chance like to have a hotdog for snack. I know everyone is thinking, really Ashley, a hot dog for snack...I say why not a hot dog for snack! The are so tasty!

Bert-Yes please! But hey Ashley, I sure wish I had two hotdogs. (with a sad face and a pause) Like maybe one today and then one tomorrow.

Eureka! This sounds like a great idea to me. Plus I would give this red head my left arm if he asked me! So hotdogs for snack...not such a big deal. I then tell Bert that I have a great idea, we should have a hot dog everyday after school at every establishment that serves them in town.

Bert's face lights up and he shakes his head in total agreement. That sealed our adventure into becoming hotdog connoisseurs. OPERATION HOT DOG IS A GO!

Day one we had hotdogs at Sonic. I had a dog covered in spicy mustard, kraut and onions known as the New York dog. No complaints here at all! Bert had plain with ketchup. Being the best nanny in town Bert's hotdog was accompanied by a root beer float :). He loves those!

Day two found me and Bert sitting on red stools at Texas Tavern. I opted for a cheesy western(hamburger with egg, pickles, cheese and onions) because if i step foot in TT I have to have one of those. Per Bert's usual he enjoyed a plain dog again with ketchup. Of course a nice cold glass of grape soda was added...I mean really the boy needed something to wash down the hotdog.

It is now Labor Day weekend and the two of us will not be hotdogging again until Tuesday after school. We already have our route for the week mapped out and will be ready to go after this lovely three day weekend. The only catch to this whole plan is that now Bert and I must go exercise after we eat as a way to combat the calories from these hot dogs! Plus that is the only way I truly got his mom on board ;)

No pics!

I have to apologize because there will be no pictures of bingo critters. We lost our money, had a few laughs and then Amy got assaulted by a wad of bingo papers. Just a typical night at Williamson Road bingo!

good deeds?

So a man was walking down my street carrying a big screen TV! I watched him for awhile, finally noticing that he wasnt just walking a little ways up the street, and hopped in my car and drove over to assist him. He reeked of alcohol and was sweating up a storm. To his defense though I smelled like hotdogs and I was sweating profusely also. So that isnt always a good indicator of a persons character. He told me he lived right up the street and pointed in the general direction. After we found his house I noticed that no one lived in this house and that there was no furniture to speak of....well except for this new big screen. I lugged this bad boy up the stairs for him and plopped it down at the front door. He thanked me and I went about my merry way

UNTIL:


my neighbors started walking around and asking if anyone had seen anything suspicious at their house because it had been broken into while they were at work. Did I just help someone move stolen property? Good grief! No good deed goes unpunished!

G51, N34, B7, I18 and O69

So I will most likely be bingoing tonight! YAY! The only thing that could possibly come between me and a fresh stack of bingo king papers would be my husband Scott. He hates that I go! What can I say though...I'm a gambler. Thats the life I live on certain nights between 7:00-10:00pm. Tonight however, I will  not only be playing bingo but taking pictures of the bingo hall "wildlife". I do this for everyone that will never step foot in this kind of establishment. I know some people dont gamble, some are too good for it all and some dont see the point, but I want everyone to be able to take a gander at the regulars. No need to thank me, I like to give! So stay tuned for a gallery featuring my bingo buddies!

Magnums! why yes...or a trashbag...its whatever!

Ok so I had to say something about this picture! Pretty much everyone has seen the train wreck known as Teen Mom. The title says it all, teens who become moms. Not rocket science..they screwed, had babies and most of them have no idea how to take care of themselves so the babies are shit out of luck!

Case in point: Here is one of the kids Leah, daughter to Amber(whack job) and Gary(doofus).

Here we see little Leah with condoms...now yes this is bad parenting on Garys part. I mean really...letting your kid play with your rubbers...CLASSY! But then I ask myself is this child actually a genius?!? She has found her dad's stash of condoms and is letting him know to wear them. If that isnt smart I dont know what is...that kid knows her dad should NOT procreate! Thats smart. No little sisters or brothers for her because even at 2 this kid has more sense then those two jackasses. Now if only Leah could find her mom's diaphragm and spermicide!

Shark Cake!

Here...finally...is the picture of my adventure into cake making and decorating.

I opted for a cake instead of cupcakes since its called a birthday "cake"...birthday cupcakes just didnt flow off the tongue. Of course my son loved his shark cake creation and proclaimed that this, above all other cakes was his favorite. Joyous be this day that I baked a cake that my family was proud of! Granted it is a little rough around the edges but if you had seen previous years attempts at baking you would see this as a complete triumph! The next big hurdle in the whole cake issue was going to be actual taste. I was hoping to get 2 for 2 with great cake decoration and taste but I didnt know if that was in my cards. So I cut Will a slab off and presented him with my culinary creation. He ate his first bite...slowly...and

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HOT DAMN. He liked it! He was as shocked as I was. I think he had been preparing himself for a complete disaster and assault to his taste buds.

So after 13 long years I have finally made a decent and edible cake! No more store bought birthday cakes for my sonl! The irony of it all is after I made the cake I then treated myself to a delicious cupcake from a store because honestly...I prefer store bought goodies! :)

Da Agenda!

First things first! Why of all days did my house have to run out of toilet paper? Geez...ridiculous! That should ALWAYS be in large quantities so that it is never an issue. Today will be a day of rest and shopping, followed by a wonderfully yummy dinner courtesy of some restaurant here in the valley AKA da 'noke! Serious as all get out I could however stay in bed all day and watch movies! Sooooo my agenda will consist of food, shopping and down time, while my hubby takes a car full of kids to paintball! Nice...I got out of that one! Oh yeah and I need some toilet paper....not that thick Charmin but Angel Soft...the toilet paper of champions!

Birthday creative! Hopefully!

I will trying my hand at baking and decorating for my sons 13th birthday! I want him to have something different so I will be making shark decorated cupcakes. I want him to know that I spent the time making them special for him and I hope that this works out...I SUCK at baking. Its a curse...I burn everything. With all this said Maddy will be assisting me so I hope that her wonderful baking skills will be able to balance out my suckage....making for a perfect cupcake assortment for Will's birthday!  I will keep my fingers crossed and a fire extinguisher near by. Pictures to follow...

beans beans...the musical fruit?

Soooooooo today I went out to the mall with my sister, my girl and my totally cute red headed kinda nephew and claimed a seat at Sbarro after grabbing my food order. What I ate was a spinach, mushroom and garlic pizza slice...I added triple the garlic in powder form, then took my sisters left over soy and duck sauce from her chinese food court meal and added heaps of parmesan cheese. As a side I had mayo based pasta salad that I drenched in more parmesan cheese and creamy Italian dressing. YUM...that sums it up. What happened an hour later you ask?!? It was a mini van filled with odor, nose holding, shirt blocking, gagging, dry heaving, eye watering fun and a giggling 6 year old! All and all, it was a pretty good day!

ehhh?!?

So glad to be OVER the whole high school thing! Generally speaking people are decent. Fudge isn't always good...sometimes it comes in nasty flavors. Towels fresh out of the dryer are fabulous and clothes need to be folded correctly! Just because people dip buffalo wings in blue cheese dressing does not mean that a dip combining the two is a good idea. YUCK! You always find the most wonderful people to be a part of your life when you least expect it! The iPhone is the greatest phone. People that say otherwise are obviously judgement impaired! Bingo is pure greatness, even if you do have to endure grouchy woman, clouds of cigarette smoke, the ever present "security force" and the lingering odor of moth balls! Not everything should be followed. Eat breakfast for dinner, wear pajamas the whole day and regular clothes to bed, laugh when you should cry, sing at inappropriate times and answer your phone goodbye. Brush your teeth.......ALWAYS. Buy puppies whenever you want them and be thankful for all your loved ones. Give some money to a homeless person...even if you know all they will do is buy beer. Watch a foreign film and always have lipgloss on hand. Cupcakes should be eaten with a glass of chocolate milk. Last but not least don't eat black jelly beans.

in a blackened hole, surrounded by flashes of  former life
impressed by the lingering fantasy and substance of more concrete time
little flickers of hope snuffed out by gray billowing hands of despair
holding on tightly to an edge that seems to be slowly idling away to a natural rhythm
a beat that calls for any and all, wanting, begging and urging to have you come and dance
finally it hypnotizes, whispers secrets of calm and claims you for its own
white to gray to black and no more promises need be answered

a GIANT fish bowl!

Ok so I spent the previous week in Myrtle Beach with the fam! It was fun. You know the norm like lots of food, shopping and of course the occasional sisterly fight! Anywho, my only problem or concern, is the fact that we as people actually enjoy the ocean. Here is why I say this:
1. The sand sucks! I mean really sucks. No one likes it, its just something we all put up with in order to vacation at the beach. It ends up in your hair for days and days after you have leave the beach. It also is in every crack and crevice on your body! I dont know about you but sand in my chachee is no fun...and dont even get me started on sand in your behind and my least favorite....a fat roll! Thats the pits...on top of utterly embarrassing when you need your husband to check and see if you got it all out of your left back fat roll! The shame!

2.The actual ocean! Yes it is glorious to go in the ocean and then come back to your hometown with a beautiful sun kissed look but honestly swimming in fish filth and funk is a high price to pay! I have to ask myself how much fish crap I swallowed as I was tossed around by waves over and over again. I have never had this thought before but a putrid odor began engulfing everyone when they put on their bathing suits after we had swam in them the day before. The odor was of fish...literally....poop....probably literally and musty sweaty butt...hopefully not literally. So I thought...WOW we are swimming in a fish bowl! There is fish poo, pee and even...God forbid....fish fornicating. So long story short I have decided I have had enough of swimming in fishy waste!

With all this said I did have a good time at the beach and I love all the memories we  made and all the great photos but I could have done without the sand and smell! I shall stick to the pool...where only small kids pee in it. Well it better only be small kids because seriously if you are over 5 peeing in the pool that is gross!

Fishing Hooks

Ok, so I go to bed and I feel a tug on the bottom part of my right shin and I look down...what do I see....a damn fishing lure! Of course it was either my husband or my son because apparently you inventory your fishing gear in the bed. Thats logical! So after we cut the lure off my pants and inspect my "wounds", they argue over who's it is...like I even care. what fun! Oh yeah and I have also been shot by an unloaded pellet rifle in the leg. It happened on Aprils Fool Day so when I called my family to let them know I had to go to the hospital they all called me a liar. News flash living with a country man means fishing lure injuries, being "shot" and of course accidentally drinking from his spit patoon because it is in a Dr. Pepper bottle and it's the same color. God bless all city girls with country boys! It will be never be boring!

Bathroom time!

Ok so why in the world are situations that arise in the bathroom so precarious. It never fails. I spot an opportunity to make a break for the facilities, scope out the optimum stall and go about my business. As soon as I am ready to "drop the kids off at the pool" here comes a flock of ladies ready to either reapply lipstick, use the restroom or wash their hands. So you hold it, waiting for the right time to go about your duties. This right time could be a strategic flush of the toilet, however this can back fire if the flush wasnt at a decibel to camouflage the sound, or when everyone has left the bathroom. This leds me to the next problem...when there is another person waiting to do the same thing you are. This is also known as a bowl battle. Who will drop the bomb first or who will admit defeat, pull up their pants and exit the bathroom first? So I say unto my fellow females...cant we all just pass gas, explode the toilet and proudly exit the bathroom stall with our heads held high. Can we stop being judged so harshly when we have flatulence during our God given right to poop? I will suffer in silence no more...poop or get off the pot!

Bingo!

I thought I would start out blogging by complaining about the people that frequent bingo establishments! First off it must be a prerequisite to be a mean and spiteful troll of a woman. I say this because I sat behind the dragons liar...in the form of a mullet wearing Wal-Mart queen named Wanda. I am not sure if she is bitter from lack of sex or because no one informed her that you need not wear a belt with elastic pants, needless to say she was quite upset with the new bingo caller. Now on Wanda's behalf this bingo caller was 75 years old and extremely slow, but I am not going to grouch because the previous week the caller had a lisp and that my friend is no fun! Back to Wanda...long story short she cussed, bickered and complained for three full hours until loe and behold this polyester queen wins 1,300 on the lucky 7 game. Meanwhile I'm out 160 bucks and spilt ketchup down my shirt...but the mexican security officer winked at me and that was a great cheeseburger!